I know this sounds so odd, but I have a fear of seeing doctors.
Why have fearsome, some will say when all they are is people like me and you, doing their job and trying to help us?
Honestly, I don’t know why it is such a big fear but I am grateful for all doctors who have helped me over the years with all my medical or Mental Health Issues.
For me it is the unknown I am scared of, I like to know what is coming. Which Doctor I am seeing how long I have to wait, will I have to have tests, will they be nice or not.
For me just so many little things that I can not plan myself, I just have to go with the flow.
I never was so worried but I think going there and having bad experiences have made my anxiety worse.
It can take one bad doctor to really knock someone confident and that is what happened to me.
When you have mental health issues some people can put you in this little box of theirs, where I have been known as crazy or stupid when its nothing like that at all, and this is what a doctor said to me once before that I was being stupid and was acting crazy.
I see it as if I ‘ve been strong for so long and fighting to get through each day that sometimes I feel totally overwhelmed that it comes out, and it comes by me being depressed.
I don’t just wake up and think oh it will be nice to be depressed today. It’s not something I look forward to or enjoy experiencing.
I can cut people off, and I can say the harshest things to those close to me, I can become mute…
People think I am attention seeking, when at the time most people do not even know I am suffering.
I can plant a smile on my face for a short time if you’re lucky enough to spot me outside but most of the time I am home.
People told me over the years that I will lose my children if I am, to be honest with the doctors. And this is a reason why I fear them too.
I want help but I don’t want someone to judge me as a mother. This side of me I try to keep away from my children.
I plant that smile on my face for them, because I never want them to feel or see my pain. I want them to be the happy children that they are, without worrying about me.
I not saying that a doctor will get my children taken from me, but the idea of that, what happened to some has made me fearful.
I want to find my faith in the doctors again and do not live in the worry of what ifs.
I know I am a good mother, I’m just a mother that is struggling from time to time.
If you’re not struggling from any mental health issues then it rather likely you do know someone who does, don’t forget to reach out to them, make them feel loved and important, offer to take them to an appointment, as simple small things can make a big diffidence to someone life. Also, we as a team are here for you too, so feel free to send us a message and someone will get back to you.
Please know we also have a wonderful heavenly father to talk to too. And if we can’t talk to another person we have Him right by our side listening to everything we say and to him it matters, we matter.
1 John 5:14 This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, He hears us.