I choose to write about this now as this weekend just passed I had a breakdown again of feeling worthless.
I broke into tears and felt like I was letting everyone down around me. My children are the ones that keep me going and yet I felt like I was not a good enough mother to my precious children. Felt like a worthless person to all I meet and felt like a let down to my parents and family for not helping more often. This has always been something I have always struggled with and still do; I keep praying that I will not be so negative about myself and that I see myself as God sees me.
The truth is when I was a child, I felt not good enough in school as being dyslexic; people are quick to bully you for not being as good as them. At home I felt I was not as good as my sisters, my sisters was always better singers or dancers and so I chose not to do it as much because I felt not good enough. When I was a wife, I felt I was not as good as my partner; not as bright or good enough for them.
These negative thoughts controlled my life so much even though that was not the cause of things going wrong in my life and the breakdown of my previous marriages definitely did not produce healthy thoughts either. These thoughts do not just go overnight. I have had years of feeling this way so it will take time to see myself as the person I am. I am improving and I can only thank God for helping me see myself as He sees me.
I do notice though I am not the only one that feels this way and lots of Christian music artists sing just about those feeling- feeling of brokenness; not good enough and worthlessness.
Here are a couple of verses from two songs that have a very powerful word of feeling these ways.
‘‘These thoughts do not just go overnight. I have had years of feeling this way so it will take time to see myself as the person I am. I am improving and I can only thank God for helping me see myself as He sees me.’’
From Hilary Scott
Are you spinning in a lie that keeps on telling you that you’re not good enough?
And when you’re looking in the mirror, do you see someone impossible to love?
Full of fragile broken pieces
We’re all rough around the edges
From Nicole Nordeman
They told me
I’d never get to tell my story
Too many bullet holes
It would take a miracle
Inside my head like poison
Trying to steal my hope
Silencing my soul
I am not here to say they have felt worthless and I don’t know everyone’s story, but it made me see that even Christians we may look up to just may have felt worthless or not good enough, at some point and in some of their music they make you feel not alone. Not only that God is with us and for us but they( the Christian artists) are just like us, no different, and we are all trying to all feel less worthless and more Christlike.
Some things I try and remind myself of is, ‘ Jesus died for you and me, God Loves me and he loves you, he listens to my prayers and yours.’Does this sound like we are worthless? Not at all. Does not matter what man says about us it is what God says that truly matters.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.